Stop Backchat and Disrespectful Behaviour London

By  Dr Victoria Samuel The Parent Support Service Supernanny Expert 09/08/2007

Many parents complain about disrespectful behaviour from their children. But what can we do about it?

Why is he being disrespectful?

Various factors may be related to children behaving disrespectfully:

1. Being frustrated by limitations and wanting to test limits.

 2. Copying the behaviour of other people around them.

3. Realising that being disrespectful gets a reaction: laughs, shouting, shock – either way it’s attention.

4. Feeling they are being treated unfairly or are not being listened to. This can particularly be the case with backchat or mumbled comments.

How to react to disrespectful behaviour

• Ignore minor disrespectful behaviour such as backchat or sulking. Say “I will not tolerate being talked to like that” and do not respond until your child is communicating appropriately.

• For behaviour which is more offensive or rude, you can use the naughty-step technique. Before taking your child to the naughty step, make sure you give one warning clearly stating why the behaviour is disrespectful and not acceptable. “In our family, we don’t talk to each other rudely.”

• When your child is rude, don’t laugh as this will give your child positive attention and encourage them to continue being rude.

"However much you cringe when you see or hear your child being disrespectful in public, resist the temptation to correct them in front of others."

 Instead, take your child aside and describe the behaviour you disapproved of and provide guidance. For example, “I noticed you ignored the librarian when she asked you to stop talking. She seemed upset by your lack of respect. Either you can act more politely or we will have to leave story-time.”

How to prevent disrespectful behaviour

Children learn how to respond appropriately by watching and imitating those around them. This is called modelling. The most effective way to get your child to act respectfully is to treat them with respect and also to let them see you act respectfully towards other people. Remember ‘actions speak louder than words’.

• Let your child know exactly what behaviour is not acceptable by including statements about respectful behaviour in your house rules eg “No swearing”, “at dinner time, we sit nicely at the table”.

• Teach your child social manners by giving continual, gentle reminders about appropriate communication and behaviour. When adults provide clear information about appropriate behaviour, children learn what is expected of them. For example, “When you leave a friend’s house, it’s good to say ‘thank you for having me’. People like it when you do that”. Or, “When I’m talking to someone I expect you to wait until I’ve finished before asking me a question, or if you’re finding it hard to wait you could say ‘excuse me’”

• Pay close attention to your tone of voice, words and body language, not just with your child, but with everyone else around you as...

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