Making Friends London

By  Dr Victoria Samuel The Parent Support Service Supernanny Expert 30/10/2007

Whether it’s the conspicuous lack of invites to parties or spotting your little one sat alone in the playground, friendship problems spark huge anxiety for parents. To a certain extent it’s right to be concerned if your child has trouble making friends, as friendships are fundamentally important for your child’s emotional well-being and self-confidence. However, bear in mind that all children have friendship blips from time to time and remember that your child’s limited friendships are only really a problem if your child is unhappy. Some little people are perfectly content having just one friend or spending a lot of time on their own.

Try not to make too much of a big deal about your child’s social circle (or lack of it) as he may feel he’s disappointing you - which could make him more anxious and exacerbate the problem.

Instead, try to conceal your concerns, convey a confidence that things will improve and focus on following the practical strategies outlined below.

Top Tips

1. Listen to your child’s worries

• If your child tells you that other children “won’t let” him play, or shares other worries about friendships, listen and accept his feelings. Let him know that you take his concerns seriously and are on his side.

• Don’t play down his fears. Instead validate feelings: “Ooh so they wouldn’t let you join in, I’m not surprised you’re feeling hurt”

• Whether your child is having difficulties with friendships because she is quiet and reserved or because she is overly boisterous and controlling, be careful of labelling your child. Labels such as ‘bossy’ or ‘shy’ can be very self-fulfilling and may trap your child in exactly the kind of role you want her to avoid.

• If it seems your child is being treated cruelly or being bullied by children you may wish to step in, or raise your concerns with teachers or activity leaders.

2. Be a good role model

• Children learn from watching others so your behaviour can inadvertently influence how you child interacts with other children. For example, some children who have strict, controlling parents can find they get accused of being bossy. Or if you feel anxious in social situations, you may find your little one is also nervous.

• The plus side of this is that you can act as a very valuable role model for your child. So show an interest in new people you meet; be polite and friendly, listen and ask questions. With friends, your partner and relatives demonstrate basic social rules like sharing belongings, being considerate and thoughtful and compromising over decisions. Combine this subtle teaching with direct guidance through role play…

3. Practice makes perfect! Use role play.

• Use role play as a fun way to help your child to learn to relate better in social situations. Role play helps children to rehearse how to deal with potentially anxiety provoking situations and equips them with skills to ...

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