How to Cope if You and Your Child are Polar Opposites Kendal
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(Companies listed on this page are in no way endorsed by Supernanny or Supernanny.co.uk) How to Cope if You and Your Child are Polar Opposites
By Dr Victoria Samuel The Parent Support Service Supernanny Expert 02/01/2008
If you feel you and little one rarely see eye-to-eye follow our six top tips for trying to improve matters...
1. Be honest with yourself
There is often truth in the adage that traits we find hard to accept in others are those we dislike in ourselves. So it may be worth asking yourself if whatever it is about your child that leads you to bemoan “we’re just soo different” is really totally alien to you. You may be surprised. A parent frustrated with their ‘controlling’ child, who describes themselves as ‘laid back’, may in fact have a need for control in a different or perhaps more subtle way.
2. Don’t genderize!
A gulf between parents and their children may occur more often with an opposite sex child - so Dad may feel poles apart from his daughter and Mum drastically different from her son. In such cases, there can be a disconcerting sense of not quite “getting” their child and a sense of frustration with a lack of shared interests based on their child’s gender.
If this sounds familiar it may be important to check that you are not assuming a gap between you and your child based on how society expects us to view girls and boys. Children’s interests are hugely influenced by what society conditions them to like based on their gender. There is not necessarily a pre-programmed dislike of rough and tumble for girls or an in-built aversion to dolls for boys!
Throw gender roles aside and you may be surprised at what girls and boys enjoy that smacks in the face of what society expects. Boys can become passionate about sewing; girls can love cars and trains. Once you’ve stop genderising you may open up a whole range of potential fun shared activities that help you reconnect with your little boy or girl.
3. Banish labels.
It is certainly the case that some children really do seem to be from a different planet from their parents; we’ve all know of a little Miss Messy daughter of Mummy Super-Tidy! If you’re aware of an aspect of your child that is totally at odds with what you’re like, be careful not to over focus on it. It’s amazing how securely labels stick and how self-fulfilling they can be; a “grumpy” toddler will quickly take on a sulky demeanour if he is regularly referred to as such and when family and friends stop noticing his cheery side the label gradually becomes increasingly hard for him to shake off.
Remember that once we’ve made a judgment about someone’s personality we tend to filter out of awareness any characteristics that are inconsistent with our views. Side-step this selective attention by making a special effort to look out for alternative, positive traits, no matter how subtle.
Reinforce the type of behaviour you want to see more of by commenting approvingly using descriptive praise; clearly label the specific behaviour and the positive trait it reveals. “You did a great job of sorting out the recycling, that was very organised of you...