Family Counselling Kendal

By  Dr Victoria Samuel The Parent Support Service Supernanny Expert 15/04/2008

A blended family is formed when a couple moves in together bringing children from previous relationships into one home. Not surprisingly, the path to a happy household in many blended families is steep with considerable obstacles to navigate on route.

Here are six top tips for avoiding common blended family pitfalls.

Top Tips

1. Be prepared for intense feelings.

For a new blended family to be formed, a breakdown of an original family must happen and it’s normal for children to experience intense and sometimes overwhelming feelings: anger; disappointment; sadness; grief; guilt; worry and insecurity. When parents remarry or move in with a new partner who has children from a pre-existing marriage, a child faces further threats to his sense of stability.
Although it can be upsetting to see your child so miserable about the relationship which makes you happy, bear in mind that dismissing his feelings is likely to make them grow, not shrink. Feelings are real; no matter how inappropriate, extreme or frustrating you find the emotional tidal wave you are facing, your child needs to have his feelings accepted and supported.
Paraphrase what your child says - “Hmmn it sounds like you’re finding all the changes unsettling” and indicate that what they are feeling is normal - “that’s understandable”. If your child is reluctant to talk, try guessing at their underlying emotions with tentative, gentle questions: “I wonder if you’re feeling sad we don’t get as much time together anymore?” or “I imagine it must be really tough not having your own room anymore?”. Listen to their responses without judging or suggesting solutions and convey an acceptance of their experiences with concern and empathy.

Bear in mind that children aged 10 to 15 (particularly girls) may find the adjustments of blended families especially challenging. To reduce resistance, it may be helpful if your partner avoids stepping into the disciplining role before having spent time developing a relationship with your older child. Also, it’s tactful to avoid overt physical demonstrations of affection as children in middle childhood and early adolescence will find this unsettling (or, in their words, “gross”).

Be patient.
Just because you adore your partner, it doesn’t mean your children will. Your child did not choose to form a new family, and may have little invested in trying to make it work.
Even if you’re starting to notice you’re getting along better, expect set-backs along the way. Rifts are common around life transitions or events, (e.g. changing school or ill-health), which drain coping resources and leave children feeling more vulnerable than normal. Celebrations such as Christmas and birthdays are also tend to be particularly fraught; they have high emotional significance and, as ‘landmarks’ in the year, may trigger feelings of sadness about how things used to be.
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