Coping with a Cot Death Belfast

By  Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths Supernanny Expert 28/08/2007

The bereaved parents

Parents usually go over and over in their minds the events surrounding and immediately following the discovery of the death; compulsively recalling all their thoughts and actions which could have ‘caused’ the death. There is a need to blame someone or something, and in the absence of a known cause of death, parents often blame themselves. Feelings of guilt, however unjustified, are common, and do usually lessen with time. Such feelings are not usually lessened initially merely by telling the parent he or she was ‘not to blame’.

Overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness can make it difficult to make decisions or concentrate for any length of time. Even if you can sleep, you may feel exhausted. Grieving people may fear they are going mad, as they experience emotions of initial numbness, giving way to sometimes intense periods of anger, or even disbelief and denial. Many parents say that their baby is always on their mind, that they experience physical sensations such as aching arms, and hearing the baby cry. Some have a need to continue with the routine child-caring tasks, and derive some comfort from caring for the baby’s clothes and possessions as meticulously as when the baby was alive.

Religious beliefs may be questioned, confidence in the natural order of things may be shattered, and parents may fear that something else terrible is going to happen. It may be difficult for parents to imagine or envisage how they can carry on, how they can find the strength to support each other, or care for other children.

These feelings and experiences may seem irrational and inexplicable to the grieving parent as well as to those who love and try to support them. However, they are likely to be normal for the shock and grief of their baby’s sudden death.

How you can help

It is not helpful to try and ‘talk parents out’ of these feelings, or to try and deny their intensity. What IS helpful is to listen to the parent’s feelings and accept their experiences; they may need to repeat their story many times.

It can be very hard for family members and friends, with their own grief, to hear the intensity of the parents’ pain, and the FSID Helpline can be a very important and appropriate source of support, as can a special befriender, who having themselves experienced the sudden death of their baby, can offer truly understanding, non-judgmental support.

There is no appropriate ‘timescale’ for grief, and no one at FSID will consider that a bereaved parent should be ‘getting over’ the death after a certain time.

However, some experiences are almost universal.

Bereaved parents’ experiences

Many parents describe ‘functioning in a fog’ during the first few weeks after their baby’s death. They may experience the funeral as ‘being an observer’, or ‘not really being emotionally involved’. These reactions of an emotional numbness are nature’s way of help...

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