By Supernanny Team 30/10/2007
It’s a function of a stepfamily that something happened to ensure its creation – and that something is likely to have been tragic. “Stepfamilies are founded on a tragedy” says Suzie Hayman from Parentline Plus . “Someone died, or a relationship died to make it happen.”
Here are the Supernanny team’s tips to try and ensure some household harmony for your new stepfamily.
Take your time…….
For the children involved, a stepfamily can be a real negative – an end to the family they lived in before. Many will feel they’ve “lost” a parent, and won’t welcome someone new. It takes time to change those feelings, so don’t rush it.
You can’t make your children like your new partner,” says Suzie Hayman, author of Stepfamilies: Surviving and Thriving in a New Family. “But the really important thing is to explain that this new adult is not a substitute for one of their parents – it’s someone extra. They are a step-parent, not a substitute parent.
Ensure your children keep in contact with both parents if possible.
It’s important for adults to behave like adults, even if they no longer get on.
“You need to separate your own feelings about the relationship which failed, from what’s best for the children,” says Suzie Hayman. “Children will probably be missing the parent who’s no longer living with them, and you need to be conscious of that.”
Make contact with their other birth-parent easy for your children – by text and email if not face to face. Your ex-partner may have done you wrong, but that doesn’t mean he or she is an awful parent.
Don’t badmouth your ex.
“Never, ever criticise or discuss the other parent in front of your children,” says Suzie Hayman. “Often children are playing up because they are unhappy at not seeing both parents. Being rude about the other one in his or her absence will just make things worse.”
Make sure your children know that none of this is their fault.
Otherwise they may blame themselves for Mummy and Daddy splitting up.
Make time for your children
It’s obviously important for the new family to spend time together, but it’s also vital that your own children don’t feel pushed away.
If your new partner brings children to your relationship, that can make it all the more difficult for your offspring. They may be especially conscious of losing time with you, so help combat this by specifically spending time with them and letting them know how special they are to you.
Make time for yourselves
Sometimes life in a stepfamily can become so overwhelming that you don’t spend any time with your partner. This can be dangerous. There were reasons you got together, don’t forget them because life gets in the way. And don’t spend all your time talking about the kids!
Enjoy a new baby – but be aware of potential problems.
A new baby can create a blood link between step-parents and all the children, and show everyone how committed you and your new partner are. This can pull a stepfamily toge...
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